Hail To The Bus Driver
Here in New York City, many of us are completely reliant on the hard work of others to get to and from our own jobs. This is a commuting city and unless you live close enough to your place of work to walk to and from it part if not all of your commute is most likely via some form of public transit. If you commute from an “outer borough” to Manhattan, you may be a frequent user of the so-called express bus. I say “so called “because many days it doesn’t feel very “express” at all as one sits in traffic surrounded by fellow sufferers. However the buses are much nicer and more comfortable than the local buses used for intra-borough travel. Not to mention twice as expensive.
When you ride the bus part of how your work day is going to start or end is entirely dictated by the approach of your driver to his craft. Years of commuting have revealed to me a few of the forms your drives can take.
“Beepy McSwerver” – While Beepy will often give you a motion-sickness inducing ride, I enjoy taking his bus. Beepy is an incredibly skilled athlete maneuvering his bus through traffic like a Pro Bowl worthy NFL running back in his prime. He also keeps his fellow drivers alert by constant use of the horn typically in short repeated bursts that almost resemble old Morse Code transmissions. Beepy also is much more likely than the averages bus driver to take alternate routes around traffic bottlenecks should they present themselves along the way. Beepy has a brother Speedy who executes similar maneuvers without use of the horn and without as much swerving. Speedy just gets on the highways and guns it making even the Hummer drivers get the hell out of the way. Beepy and Speedy are the commuters’ friends. Sure you may white-knuckle it a few times if you pay attention, but you’ll be where you’re going sooner. Every minute counts to the long-distance commuter.
Now, if your constitution isn’t built for the McSwerver brothers, I give you…
“Clarence the Crawler” Safe and slow is his motto. Ride on Clarence’s bus and you’ll go from mid-Staten Island to midtown and think he never changed lanes once. Clarence is usually an older driver trying to get to retirement without any further accidents on his record and he doesn’t give a crap if you’re late or not, at least you’ll get there safely. Clarence is unfailingly polite to his fellow bus drivers; he’ll let anyone cut in front of him so they stay on schedule. Speaking of staying on schedule we have…
“Randy Rulebook” Randy does his job by the book (or insures the appearance of same) no matter how annoying to the rider. Randy obeys all speed laws and drives just fast or slow enough to stay on schedule. Randy is the guy who does the mysterious 2-3 minute pullovers right before a stop where there’s a bus inspector to make sure he’s right on time and not early. He’s also the guy who slams the doors on you as you run up to the bus from across the street even though he saw you. Hey buddy, you weren’t on the bus stop on time so it’s not his problem! Want to get off his bus? You’d better be at a marked stop! He doesn’t care that you’re half a block away and traffic hasn’t moved in 30 or 40 minutes. You get off at a marked stop or you don’t get off at all. And speaking of getting off…
“Gary the Groupie Magnet aka Bus Romeo” Groupie Magnet drivers usually have a nondescript driving style but they’re generally young and attractive to the ladies. A good groupie magnet will induce women to pass up earlier buses until his comes along. Then the groupie (or groupies) in question will sit in the front seat and revel in the “wit” of the driver’s conversation all the while dreaming of getting into those MTA regulation slacks (or shorts in the hot weather – hubba hubba!) Gary’s bus is OK to take provided you sit far enough in the back that you don’t have to hear the conversation. And never, ever take one of the front seats if you get on a stop ahead of one of the groupies. That’s asking for all kinds of awkwardness.
Of course the overwhelming majority of bus drivers in our fair city are just regular, hardworking guys who do a great job in unenviable circumstances. The archetypal figures described here only add to the rich broth that is New York City living. So next time you’re planning a trip into Manhattan, why not try the good old X-bus and leave the driving to, uh, them.
When you ride the bus part of how your work day is going to start or end is entirely dictated by the approach of your driver to his craft. Years of commuting have revealed to me a few of the forms your drives can take.
“Beepy McSwerver” – While Beepy will often give you a motion-sickness inducing ride, I enjoy taking his bus. Beepy is an incredibly skilled athlete maneuvering his bus through traffic like a Pro Bowl worthy NFL running back in his prime. He also keeps his fellow drivers alert by constant use of the horn typically in short repeated bursts that almost resemble old Morse Code transmissions. Beepy also is much more likely than the averages bus driver to take alternate routes around traffic bottlenecks should they present themselves along the way. Beepy has a brother Speedy who executes similar maneuvers without use of the horn and without as much swerving. Speedy just gets on the highways and guns it making even the Hummer drivers get the hell out of the way. Beepy and Speedy are the commuters’ friends. Sure you may white-knuckle it a few times if you pay attention, but you’ll be where you’re going sooner. Every minute counts to the long-distance commuter.
Now, if your constitution isn’t built for the McSwerver brothers, I give you…
“Clarence the Crawler” Safe and slow is his motto. Ride on Clarence’s bus and you’ll go from mid-Staten Island to midtown and think he never changed lanes once. Clarence is usually an older driver trying to get to retirement without any further accidents on his record and he doesn’t give a crap if you’re late or not, at least you’ll get there safely. Clarence is unfailingly polite to his fellow bus drivers; he’ll let anyone cut in front of him so they stay on schedule. Speaking of staying on schedule we have…
“Randy Rulebook” Randy does his job by the book (or insures the appearance of same) no matter how annoying to the rider. Randy obeys all speed laws and drives just fast or slow enough to stay on schedule. Randy is the guy who does the mysterious 2-3 minute pullovers right before a stop where there’s a bus inspector to make sure he’s right on time and not early. He’s also the guy who slams the doors on you as you run up to the bus from across the street even though he saw you. Hey buddy, you weren’t on the bus stop on time so it’s not his problem! Want to get off his bus? You’d better be at a marked stop! He doesn’t care that you’re half a block away and traffic hasn’t moved in 30 or 40 minutes. You get off at a marked stop or you don’t get off at all. And speaking of getting off…
“Gary the Groupie Magnet aka Bus Romeo” Groupie Magnet drivers usually have a nondescript driving style but they’re generally young and attractive to the ladies. A good groupie magnet will induce women to pass up earlier buses until his comes along. Then the groupie (or groupies) in question will sit in the front seat and revel in the “wit” of the driver’s conversation all the while dreaming of getting into those MTA regulation slacks (or shorts in the hot weather – hubba hubba!) Gary’s bus is OK to take provided you sit far enough in the back that you don’t have to hear the conversation. And never, ever take one of the front seats if you get on a stop ahead of one of the groupies. That’s asking for all kinds of awkwardness.
Of course the overwhelming majority of bus drivers in our fair city are just regular, hardworking guys who do a great job in unenviable circumstances. The archetypal figures described here only add to the rich broth that is New York City living. So next time you’re planning a trip into Manhattan, why not try the good old X-bus and leave the driving to, uh, them.
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