Too Old To Rock n Roll, Too Stupid To Stop Going To Shows
I’m going to see a middle aged guy play loud guitar and yell for 90 minutes tonight. Unlike many of my peers, I’m not seeing a band in some sports arena over overpriced theater. I’m going to a good, old fashioned stand up and drink 1,000 people maximum capacity music venue.
Of course, at my age you have to have a plan for a venture like this, particularly on a work night. Since I still engage in this activity a handful of times a year, I have developed my own particular method for approaching the evening. So, here are some Tips For The Middle-Aged Guy Going To See A Band At A Club
1. If you’re gonna drink, drink before you go in the club – this is absolutely crucial unless you happen to be independently wealthy. If you’re a long time night person like me, you’ve probably developed a certain tolerance to fermented products. That means if you want a proper show-quality buzz, you need to find a bar beforehand. If you live near the venue (or have a friend that does), a few pops at home is even better. Remember not to get so trashed that you don’t remember the show since that defeats the whole purpose of going. I’m thinking just enough so that you’re in that nice, mellow phase of drunk and not near the yelling ,backslapping stupid phase. A couple maintenance beers at the venue are OK, but remember you’re probably gonna pay 9 bucks a throw for those (at least in NYC). If you’re not a drinker, ignore this step.
2. Search the internet and have an idea of the setlist in advance – I know, you’re thinking “Why? I want to be surprised!” OK pal, remember who you are? You’re a middle aged guy. That means you’re gonna have to take a leak at some point during the show especially if you’ve followed the instructions in the previous paragraph. You need to have an idea of sequence so you can pick the 2 songs you like least that are often paired together in performance as your time to break for the can. Why 2 songs? There might be a line if others share your taste and as a Middle Aged Guy you don't whiz quite as fast as you used to.
3. Comfort First – Make sure you’re wearing comfortable footwear, and if you know any hidden nooks or crannies in the venue where you can sit that’s a plus. Knowing where the good ventilation spots are in a room is huge especially during the summer. I have a favorite spot right under an AC vent at Irving Plaza (sorry, not buying the new Fillmore East thing) and I’m not telling where it is. Find it yourselves.
4. Beware Couples – I’m not opposed to taking your significant other to shows if he or she is into the music as much as you are. However, if they’re not, leave them home. Or don’t stand near me. Bored dates do one of two things at the old rock show: get so drunk they wind up puking on shoes (usually not their own) or spend the night yammering away to their friends (more common of the female of the species than the male, but not exclusive). I see couples together, I move away. Unless I’m under the A/C vent. Then I just watch out for flying spew.
5. Look Out For “The Guy Who Never Goes Out But Managed To Get A Special Dispensation From The Wife Tonight” – this guy will in all likelihood be drunk, or screaming the words to every song in your ear or doing bad hippie dances or leaning all over his friends telling him how great they are and how much he loves them. Or all of the above. This is particularly true if the guy happens to have bred, so be careful if you’re in a group with dads-on-break. It could get sloppy and ugly.
6. Hydrate – even if you didn’t drink alcohol, drink some water at the venue. Rock is a sweaty business and leg cramps halfway through the encore really suck. Get those and you’ll look like a Deadhead Dad from point #5.
There you have it. Now get out there and rock! But not too hard. Your back might go out.
Of course, at my age you have to have a plan for a venture like this, particularly on a work night. Since I still engage in this activity a handful of times a year, I have developed my own particular method for approaching the evening. So, here are some Tips For The Middle-Aged Guy Going To See A Band At A Club
1. If you’re gonna drink, drink before you go in the club – this is absolutely crucial unless you happen to be independently wealthy. If you’re a long time night person like me, you’ve probably developed a certain tolerance to fermented products. That means if you want a proper show-quality buzz, you need to find a bar beforehand. If you live near the venue (or have a friend that does), a few pops at home is even better. Remember not to get so trashed that you don’t remember the show since that defeats the whole purpose of going. I’m thinking just enough so that you’re in that nice, mellow phase of drunk and not near the yelling ,backslapping stupid phase. A couple maintenance beers at the venue are OK, but remember you’re probably gonna pay 9 bucks a throw for those (at least in NYC). If you’re not a drinker, ignore this step.
2. Search the internet and have an idea of the setlist in advance – I know, you’re thinking “Why? I want to be surprised!” OK pal, remember who you are? You’re a middle aged guy. That means you’re gonna have to take a leak at some point during the show especially if you’ve followed the instructions in the previous paragraph. You need to have an idea of sequence so you can pick the 2 songs you like least that are often paired together in performance as your time to break for the can. Why 2 songs? There might be a line if others share your taste and as a Middle Aged Guy you don't whiz quite as fast as you used to.
3. Comfort First – Make sure you’re wearing comfortable footwear, and if you know any hidden nooks or crannies in the venue where you can sit that’s a plus. Knowing where the good ventilation spots are in a room is huge especially during the summer. I have a favorite spot right under an AC vent at Irving Plaza (sorry, not buying the new Fillmore East thing) and I’m not telling where it is. Find it yourselves.
4. Beware Couples – I’m not opposed to taking your significant other to shows if he or she is into the music as much as you are. However, if they’re not, leave them home. Or don’t stand near me. Bored dates do one of two things at the old rock show: get so drunk they wind up puking on shoes (usually not their own) or spend the night yammering away to their friends (more common of the female of the species than the male, but not exclusive). I see couples together, I move away. Unless I’m under the A/C vent. Then I just watch out for flying spew.
5. Look Out For “The Guy Who Never Goes Out But Managed To Get A Special Dispensation From The Wife Tonight” – this guy will in all likelihood be drunk, or screaming the words to every song in your ear or doing bad hippie dances or leaning all over his friends telling him how great they are and how much he loves them. Or all of the above. This is particularly true if the guy happens to have bred, so be careful if you’re in a group with dads-on-break. It could get sloppy and ugly.
6. Hydrate – even if you didn’t drink alcohol, drink some water at the venue. Rock is a sweaty business and leg cramps halfway through the encore really suck. Get those and you’ll look like a Deadhead Dad from point #5.
There you have it. Now get out there and rock! But not too hard. Your back might go out.
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