Anachronism
The late, great Kaos used to say that men under 40 should not wear suspenders or bow ties as part of their business apparel. Don’t know why. He was an accountant at a commodities firm during the 1990s so it’s possible that the people who dressed that way treated him poorly which caused him to create a rule for himself. Since he died before he made 40 there’s way of knowing if he would’ve expanded his sartorial repertoire upon reaching that age.
I, on the other hand think there are certain words that you shouldn’t use before you hit middle age. I have reached that wonderful phase of life, and I am proudly using those words whenever I can.
One of the words in question is “keister”, as in rear-end, buttocks or ass. Now I know what you’re thinking: why use a word that makes you sound like Colonel Sherman Potter on M*A*S*H? It’s an attention getter, that’s why. Nobody uses that word, least of all young people. Throw it in a sentence and watch those heads turn! It’s even money that someone under 30 will think you’re referring to an encrypted file-sharing website.
(Sorry, that was terrible, but this is a terrible blog in case you haven’t noticed).
Another word that you shouldn’t use if you were born later than 1970 is “contraption”. Someone middle-aged using “contraption” to describe any of these newfangled (hey, there’s another middle aged word!) gadgets like Iphones, Blackberrys, portable music players and other devices of questionable utility is perfectly acceptable. Young people should instinctively know how to use all that crap and are therefore banned from use of the word. Note that you own bonus points to be redeemed at the end of your life if you combine the word “infernal” with “contraption” to make yourself sound like a villain in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
Do youngsters even watch cartoons any more, or do they simply create their own on their fancy-pants (there’s another middle aged word, bonus points for hyphenation!) computerized contraptions? That wouldn’t be a bad thing because at least it would encourage creativity. I had different kinds of creative outlets as a kid, we had Lincoln Logs, Legos and for a brief period I had a train set down in our basement. As a younger kid, I had Play Doh. No Silly Putty in our home, no sir. Ours was strictly a Play Doh household. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe my mom liked it because it said “non-toxic” in bright letters on the can. And maybe it was because Play Doh came in many bright colors while Silly Putty as I recall was usually a dull grey or white color although you could do that newspaper trick with it. Play Doh also had that smell, that unique odor that was like a fresh box of Crayola Crayons times a hundred.
Play Doh had its downside though. Nothing was sadder than when the Play Doh dried out and was no longer usable. There was no coming back for that Play Doh. It was over, done, kaput.
Kaput is another word you shouldn’t use if you’re under 40, by the way.
Speaking of old toys, for some reason I have had the “Tiny Mighty Mos” jingle stuck in my head for over a week. Can’t find it anywhere on the web, the nearest thing is a commercial for regular Mighty Mos on youtube. Anyone who can provide an mp3 of the Tiny Mighty Mos song gets a prize from yours truly. “Yours truly” to refer to oneself might be one of those over-40 terms I was talking about.
The weird thing about the Mighty Mos song is those were toys from the 80s when I had long since passed the toy truck phase. I had Tonka toys as a kid, ones with the nice sharp metal corners that taught you to be careful when handling them or you might slice off part of a digit. You could leave ‘em out in the rain and they might rust a bit but they’d still be usable. My Tonkas have long since disappeared; the only toy trucks l have left are the Hess trucks my dad used to buy at Christmas. Some of them are even in the original boxes. They’re not quite old enough to be “vintage” yet though. In any event I probably wouldn’t sell them unless I was totally broke due to the sentimental value of their attachment to the old man. “Old man” being another middle-aged term I didn’t use when my father was still around.
He did sometimes, but he was old enough to do so. Life is simple when you know the rules, which I suspect is why we make them up.
I, on the other hand think there are certain words that you shouldn’t use before you hit middle age. I have reached that wonderful phase of life, and I am proudly using those words whenever I can.
One of the words in question is “keister”, as in rear-end, buttocks or ass. Now I know what you’re thinking: why use a word that makes you sound like Colonel Sherman Potter on M*A*S*H? It’s an attention getter, that’s why. Nobody uses that word, least of all young people. Throw it in a sentence and watch those heads turn! It’s even money that someone under 30 will think you’re referring to an encrypted file-sharing website.
(Sorry, that was terrible, but this is a terrible blog in case you haven’t noticed).
Another word that you shouldn’t use if you were born later than 1970 is “contraption”. Someone middle-aged using “contraption” to describe any of these newfangled (hey, there’s another middle aged word!) gadgets like Iphones, Blackberrys, portable music players and other devices of questionable utility is perfectly acceptable. Young people should instinctively know how to use all that crap and are therefore banned from use of the word. Note that you own bonus points to be redeemed at the end of your life if you combine the word “infernal” with “contraption” to make yourself sound like a villain in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
Do youngsters even watch cartoons any more, or do they simply create their own on their fancy-pants (there’s another middle aged word, bonus points for hyphenation!) computerized contraptions? That wouldn’t be a bad thing because at least it would encourage creativity. I had different kinds of creative outlets as a kid, we had Lincoln Logs, Legos and for a brief period I had a train set down in our basement. As a younger kid, I had Play Doh. No Silly Putty in our home, no sir. Ours was strictly a Play Doh household. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe my mom liked it because it said “non-toxic” in bright letters on the can. And maybe it was because Play Doh came in many bright colors while Silly Putty as I recall was usually a dull grey or white color although you could do that newspaper trick with it. Play Doh also had that smell, that unique odor that was like a fresh box of Crayola Crayons times a hundred.
Play Doh had its downside though. Nothing was sadder than when the Play Doh dried out and was no longer usable. There was no coming back for that Play Doh. It was over, done, kaput.
Kaput is another word you shouldn’t use if you’re under 40, by the way.
Speaking of old toys, for some reason I have had the “Tiny Mighty Mos” jingle stuck in my head for over a week. Can’t find it anywhere on the web, the nearest thing is a commercial for regular Mighty Mos on youtube. Anyone who can provide an mp3 of the Tiny Mighty Mos song gets a prize from yours truly. “Yours truly” to refer to oneself might be one of those over-40 terms I was talking about.
The weird thing about the Mighty Mos song is those were toys from the 80s when I had long since passed the toy truck phase. I had Tonka toys as a kid, ones with the nice sharp metal corners that taught you to be careful when handling them or you might slice off part of a digit. You could leave ‘em out in the rain and they might rust a bit but they’d still be usable. My Tonkas have long since disappeared; the only toy trucks l have left are the Hess trucks my dad used to buy at Christmas. Some of them are even in the original boxes. They’re not quite old enough to be “vintage” yet though. In any event I probably wouldn’t sell them unless I was totally broke due to the sentimental value of their attachment to the old man. “Old man” being another middle-aged term I didn’t use when my father was still around.
He did sometimes, but he was old enough to do so. Life is simple when you know the rules, which I suspect is why we make them up.
Comments
There are also a slew of "curse" words as well, dag nabitt, dad gum, et al.
There are also the ones we make up and then can't remember. Do you?
PS have you noticed word verification getting closer to actual words? Like this one I just typed in "acidoill". It might have something to do with mo gas.
As for word-verification; I just got rumen. It's a cowsperacy, I tell ya.
And "contraption" must always be preceeded by "new fangled." It's the law.