Rehearsal
I am notoriously bad at small talk. I have a business outing tonight that requires small talk. What do I do? I go to a co-worker who understands how bad I am at small talk and we go over topics.
Me: “The weather’s a good place to start right?”
Co-Worker: “Of course, especially now when it’s a news story.”
Me: “Yeah, but I don’t want to go too far with that because then it could turn into a whole global warming thing and then it could go political and that’s awful.”
CW: “It won’t go that way”
Me: “I don’t know, I’m worried….”
CW: “You could talk about sports then. “
Me: “Yeah, I watch enough ballgames I guess….”
CW: “Derek Jeter’s 3000th hit, the guy that got the ball, should he have sold it or did he do the right thing?”
Me: “That could go political”
CW: “What?”
Me: “There was a whole thing about the guy having to pay taxes on the gifts and then people start talking about taxes and then the debt ceiling and there’s no right answer there in a mixed crowd where you don’t know what everyone thinks and you’re not going to change anyone’s mind anyway and you don’t want to add tension…”
CW (exasperated): “OK, you change the subject before it goes that far. Movies”
Me: “Ummmmmmm”
CW: “Oh right, you don’t go to the movies but you could talk about box office…wait, you didn’t see Harry Potter? Any of them”
Me: “No”
CW: (mystified): “Books?”
Me: “Not a page. I know the story though kinda….I could talk about those movie theaters that sell beer and ban kids. Oh wait, does anyone from (company) have kids? That could go in a whole bad way...”
CW: “You could talk about vacations. Ask them where they’re going. People like to talk about that. When it comes to you you could talk about the trip you just took”
Me: “But some of what I did sounds a little elitist don’t you think? Just hanging around a Tuscan hill town for several days and then hitting Milan for a few and then an upscale resort in Lombardy?”
CW: “People like to hear about that stuff.”
Me: “I won’t give too much detail, say it was mostly just relaxing, mention that I’m married into an Italian family and maybe I can skate on it. I’ll act enthusiastic about wherever they went”.
CW: “Good, and there’s always TV. Talk about the HBO shows. Everyone likes HBO.”
Me: “Yeah but I watch Treme which nobody else watches and everyone else watches Game of Thrones which bores the piss out of me. It's supposed to be full of heads being chopped off and people screwing and all I ever see is people talking in the wintertime.”
CW: “Boardwalk Empire then.”
Me: “Hasn’t started yet. I guess I could mention that I’m rewatching some reruns.”
CW: “No, don’t do that. Rewatching a show is weird.”
Me: “It is?”
CW: “Trust me.” (Points to the boot on my broken foot) “Hey, talk about your injury”.
Me: “It’s not very interesting but I could embellish the story.”
CW: “That’s good. People like to hear about that stuff, plus it’ll paint you in a sympathetic light.”
Me: “I could say I did it chasing a purse snatcher.”
CW: “That’s good, and even if they don’t believe you it’s funny.”
Me: “OK, so, a little on the weather, question them about their vacations and work my injury in there somewhere. Hey, do you have one of those things that quarterbacks wear on their arms so I can refer to it?”
CW: “You’ll be fine.”
Me: “The weather’s a good place to start right?”
Co-Worker: “Of course, especially now when it’s a news story.”
Me: “Yeah, but I don’t want to go too far with that because then it could turn into a whole global warming thing and then it could go political and that’s awful.”
CW: “It won’t go that way”
Me: “I don’t know, I’m worried….”
CW: “You could talk about sports then. “
Me: “Yeah, I watch enough ballgames I guess….”
CW: “Derek Jeter’s 3000th hit, the guy that got the ball, should he have sold it or did he do the right thing?”
Me: “That could go political”
CW: “What?”
Me: “There was a whole thing about the guy having to pay taxes on the gifts and then people start talking about taxes and then the debt ceiling and there’s no right answer there in a mixed crowd where you don’t know what everyone thinks and you’re not going to change anyone’s mind anyway and you don’t want to add tension…”
CW (exasperated): “OK, you change the subject before it goes that far. Movies”
Me: “Ummmmmmm”
CW: “Oh right, you don’t go to the movies but you could talk about box office…wait, you didn’t see Harry Potter? Any of them”
Me: “No”
CW: (mystified): “Books?”
Me: “Not a page. I know the story though kinda….I could talk about those movie theaters that sell beer and ban kids. Oh wait, does anyone from (company) have kids? That could go in a whole bad way...”
CW: “You could talk about vacations. Ask them where they’re going. People like to talk about that. When it comes to you you could talk about the trip you just took”
Me: “But some of what I did sounds a little elitist don’t you think? Just hanging around a Tuscan hill town for several days and then hitting Milan for a few and then an upscale resort in Lombardy?”
CW: “People like to hear about that stuff.”
Me: “I won’t give too much detail, say it was mostly just relaxing, mention that I’m married into an Italian family and maybe I can skate on it. I’ll act enthusiastic about wherever they went”.
CW: “Good, and there’s always TV. Talk about the HBO shows. Everyone likes HBO.”
Me: “Yeah but I watch Treme which nobody else watches and everyone else watches Game of Thrones which bores the piss out of me. It's supposed to be full of heads being chopped off and people screwing and all I ever see is people talking in the wintertime.”
CW: “Boardwalk Empire then.”
Me: “Hasn’t started yet. I guess I could mention that I’m rewatching some reruns.”
CW: “No, don’t do that. Rewatching a show is weird.”
Me: “It is?”
CW: “Trust me.” (Points to the boot on my broken foot) “Hey, talk about your injury”.
Me: “It’s not very interesting but I could embellish the story.”
CW: “That’s good. People like to hear about that stuff, plus it’ll paint you in a sympathetic light.”
Me: “I could say I did it chasing a purse snatcher.”
CW: “That’s good, and even if they don’t believe you it’s funny.”
Me: “OK, so, a little on the weather, question them about their vacations and work my injury in there somewhere. Hey, do you have one of those things that quarterbacks wear on their arms so I can refer to it?”
CW: “You’ll be fine.”
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