Step Right Up
I know this guy. Well, I don't know him personally but I have seen him around a lot. I am quite familiar with one of his favorite places, in fact the place where I see him most often is depicted in that picture at the top of the article. Where is it? I'm not saying. If a man doesn't want to be disturbed I'm going to leave him be.
I understand that the folks who want to get him off the street probably mean well. Only a cynic would think that at this point in the evolution of Times Square that they just want to push the homeless off to the margins, sweep them under the bridges and roads and overpasses and into the tunnels where the skittish masses from west of the Hudson and north of the Bronx won’t be frightened away from spending their dough. No, that was the game then, I have no doubt that the agencies reaching out to this guy want to help him now but I don’t blame him for not trusting them.
However, I think there is a role for old “Heavy”.
Why not approach the guy with a business proposition? Everybody who comes here wants a “Gen-you-wine Noo Yawk story” to take home with them whether it’s a crazy cabdriver or an aggressive subway busker or being treated rudely by a local. I say Heavy could be an old time Times Square exhibit. He could be the Official Bum of New York City. Of course, to keep it ethical we’d need to make sure that Heavy isn’t legitimately insane and by that I mean nuts to the point where he shouldn’t be legally allowed to make his own decisions. If we can certify that he’s just an eccentric old coot who likes to live on the street I say we promote him and share the profits. Let the tourists flock to see The Last of the Hobos and throw him a quarter. “Meet Heavy, Times Squares Last Official Homeless Person”. The Times has already written the first ad with that article. Don’t think that would sell well? You don’t know human nature, friends. Remember we are talking about a world filled with people who go to stare at a construction site where two skyscrapers were destroyed nearly a decade ago and purchase tacky knick-knacks like bottle openers with the old Twin Towers on one side and the Statue of Liberty on the other.
Let me reiterate that this would have to be done with Heavy’s approval and agreement. I’m not one for bothering a man who wants to be left alone so long as he’s not hurting anyone else. But still, think of the possibilities: as other areas of the city get gentrified Heavy could franchise out operations to other bum wannabes ("Bummabes"?). Hell, I hear they’re calling part of Bushwick “East Williamsburg” these days so there must already be an area in the outer boroughs ready for a McHomeless operation. You know the Lower East Side is ready to go.
Maybe I’ll pitch this idea to Heavy if I see him tonight when I leave. Probably not though, more likely I’ll just keep on with my routine and he’ll keep on with his. At least one of us will be wondering which of us has more freedom.
I understand that the folks who want to get him off the street probably mean well. Only a cynic would think that at this point in the evolution of Times Square that they just want to push the homeless off to the margins, sweep them under the bridges and roads and overpasses and into the tunnels where the skittish masses from west of the Hudson and north of the Bronx won’t be frightened away from spending their dough. No, that was the game then, I have no doubt that the agencies reaching out to this guy want to help him now but I don’t blame him for not trusting them.
However, I think there is a role for old “Heavy”.
Why not approach the guy with a business proposition? Everybody who comes here wants a “Gen-you-wine Noo Yawk story” to take home with them whether it’s a crazy cabdriver or an aggressive subway busker or being treated rudely by a local. I say Heavy could be an old time Times Square exhibit. He could be the Official Bum of New York City. Of course, to keep it ethical we’d need to make sure that Heavy isn’t legitimately insane and by that I mean nuts to the point where he shouldn’t be legally allowed to make his own decisions. If we can certify that he’s just an eccentric old coot who likes to live on the street I say we promote him and share the profits. Let the tourists flock to see The Last of the Hobos and throw him a quarter. “Meet Heavy, Times Squares Last Official Homeless Person”. The Times has already written the first ad with that article. Don’t think that would sell well? You don’t know human nature, friends. Remember we are talking about a world filled with people who go to stare at a construction site where two skyscrapers were destroyed nearly a decade ago and purchase tacky knick-knacks like bottle openers with the old Twin Towers on one side and the Statue of Liberty on the other.
Let me reiterate that this would have to be done with Heavy’s approval and agreement. I’m not one for bothering a man who wants to be left alone so long as he’s not hurting anyone else. But still, think of the possibilities: as other areas of the city get gentrified Heavy could franchise out operations to other bum wannabes ("Bummabes"?). Hell, I hear they’re calling part of Bushwick “East Williamsburg” these days so there must already be an area in the outer boroughs ready for a McHomeless operation. You know the Lower East Side is ready to go.
Maybe I’ll pitch this idea to Heavy if I see him tonight when I leave. Probably not though, more likely I’ll just keep on with my routine and he’ll keep on with his. At least one of us will be wondering which of us has more freedom.
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