If He Were Here, He’d Say...
There have been a rash of celebrity deaths over the last few days, and all of them were sudden and unexpected: Harry Kalas, Nick Adenhart, Mark Fidrych, and of course Marilyn Chambers. Makes you realize that you could go any time, without any warning whatsoever. Since I have an unhealthy obsession with death to begin with, this run of famous folks suddenly plucked from the planet got me thinking about the rituals surrounding death and in particular the things we say to each other when someone has kicked it. One of the things you inevitably hear is “If (deceased) were here, he’d say (whatever)”. Now of course this means other people are putting words in the deceased’s mouth, and if there’s one thing I can’t stand its people putting words in my mouth. So, today’s homily will be a little clip and save pocket guide for things that I would ACTUALLY say if I were still alive. I mean, I am still alive, but when I am gone I want all of my dear friends and loved ones to keep this list around for referral should they ever have the urge to say “You know, if DC were here, he’d say...” So here goes:
“This is under-seasoned.”
“Don’t you love it when 25 year old broads wear outfits that they bought when they were college sophomores and still think they fit?”
“Of course I want another beer.”
“I miss more than enough shots on my own, I don’t need your screwed-up (sweeping, line call, ice call as applicable) to help me.”
“Of course, (insert name) doesn’t know a god-damned thing about food so who cares anyway?”
“Does this come in 2xl?”
“Go to hell!”
“My knees hurt.”
“Time to start rolling the rock back up the hill again.”
“Ask my wife.”
“That’s one big pigeon.”
“A little to the left.”
“Did you look in the car?”
And of course, “HEY, OPEN THIS DAMN THING UP, I WAS JUST TAKING A NAP! HOLY CRAP DON’T BURY ME!!!!”
Actually, what I’d really like to do is put some of these in a Magic 8 Ball kind of thing so someone could start the sentence, shake the 8 ball and have a response come up. Anyone know how to build one of those?
“This is under-seasoned.”
“Don’t you love it when 25 year old broads wear outfits that they bought when they were college sophomores and still think they fit?”
“Of course I want another beer.”
“I miss more than enough shots on my own, I don’t need your screwed-up (sweeping, line call, ice call as applicable) to help me.”
“Of course, (insert name) doesn’t know a god-damned thing about food so who cares anyway?”
“Does this come in 2xl?”
“Go to hell!”
“My knees hurt.”
“Time to start rolling the rock back up the hill again.”
“Ask my wife.”
“That’s one big pigeon.”
“A little to the left.”
“Did you look in the car?”
And of course, “HEY, OPEN THIS DAMN THING UP, I WAS JUST TAKING A NAP! HOLY CRAP DON’T BURY ME!!!!”
Actually, what I’d really like to do is put some of these in a Magic 8 Ball kind of thing so someone could start the sentence, shake the 8 ball and have a response come up. Anyone know how to build one of those?
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