Greensleeves
Yesterday I found an entirely new way to get food stains on my clothing.
I know, I know, this may not seem like an achievement to most of you but when you have my particular bulk getting food on your clothes as you eat is tough to avoid. A protruding belly necessitates either leaning over the table or picking up the dish and eating with it close to one's mouth the way you're kinda sorta supposed to eat Japanese noodles.
So it was that the latter was how I was eating my healthy, low fat chicken salad bowl from the new organic/sustainable food chain place that recently opened in the building where I work. Bowl positioned right under my chin, fork in right hand, newspaper that I was reading on the desk below. No way I'm getting anything on my shirt front today, no sir.
And then it happened.
A piece of lettuce went up my sleeve.
I couldn't believe what happened at first when I felt the cold, slightly wet bit of vegetation land one my elbow. Surely I couldn't have dropped food UP MY FRIGGIN' SLEEVE? And yet, that's exactly what happened. Fine, I sighed, I'll just shake it out directly into the garbage.
"Not so fast, fat boy" the lettuce said. Well, not literally but it's actions spoke to me. As I shook, danced and bounced next to the pail the lettuce kept attaching itself to various parts of my forearm and, I imagined, on the inner part of my sleeve. After a few minutes of this, I realized with horror that the oil from the low fat dressing must be staining everything. If you knew the wrath of the Mrs. when she finds oil stains on my shirt you would realize what an issue this was. I briefly considered looked up apartment listings on Craigslist figuring that once she found the stains and threw me out at least I'd have a lead on a new place. Or maybe the Ice Guy Lawyer and his wonderful wife would let me stay on their couch for a few days if I helped with the dog and cats.
I shook off these dire scenarios and looked at the sleeve. Not a mark, I thought hopefully. Then I realized what I should do: unbutton the cuff and slowly roll up the sleeve until the offending leaf is uncovered. Which I did, finding the salad component firmly affixed to the underside of my forearm just north of a freckle I've had since birth. I peeled the veg off my limb, tossed it in the trash, wiped my arm with a napkin, unrolled the sleeve and got back to the business of lunch consumption.
The little things are really the things that can make or break your day.
I know, I know, this may not seem like an achievement to most of you but when you have my particular bulk getting food on your clothes as you eat is tough to avoid. A protruding belly necessitates either leaning over the table or picking up the dish and eating with it close to one's mouth the way you're kinda sorta supposed to eat Japanese noodles.
So it was that the latter was how I was eating my healthy, low fat chicken salad bowl from the new organic/sustainable food chain place that recently opened in the building where I work. Bowl positioned right under my chin, fork in right hand, newspaper that I was reading on the desk below. No way I'm getting anything on my shirt front today, no sir.
And then it happened.
A piece of lettuce went up my sleeve.
I couldn't believe what happened at first when I felt the cold, slightly wet bit of vegetation land one my elbow. Surely I couldn't have dropped food UP MY FRIGGIN' SLEEVE? And yet, that's exactly what happened. Fine, I sighed, I'll just shake it out directly into the garbage.
"Not so fast, fat boy" the lettuce said. Well, not literally but it's actions spoke to me. As I shook, danced and bounced next to the pail the lettuce kept attaching itself to various parts of my forearm and, I imagined, on the inner part of my sleeve. After a few minutes of this, I realized with horror that the oil from the low fat dressing must be staining everything. If you knew the wrath of the Mrs. when she finds oil stains on my shirt you would realize what an issue this was. I briefly considered looked up apartment listings on Craigslist figuring that once she found the stains and threw me out at least I'd have a lead on a new place. Or maybe the Ice Guy Lawyer and his wonderful wife would let me stay on their couch for a few days if I helped with the dog and cats.
I shook off these dire scenarios and looked at the sleeve. Not a mark, I thought hopefully. Then I realized what I should do: unbutton the cuff and slowly roll up the sleeve until the offending leaf is uncovered. Which I did, finding the salad component firmly affixed to the underside of my forearm just north of a freckle I've had since birth. I peeled the veg off my limb, tossed it in the trash, wiped my arm with a napkin, unrolled the sleeve and got back to the business of lunch consumption.
The little things are really the things that can make or break your day.
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