Post Number 410
This is the first paragraph of today’s post. Normally I would put something here that either establishes the premise or is a complete non sequitur. However, I don’t have anything to write about today so pretend this is blank. Go ahead. Pretend it’s BLANK! STOP READING! I’M SERIOUS!
There, now that we got rid of that literal crowd, we can continue. Continue with today’s topic. What is today’s topic, you’re wondering, and why did you get rid of the literal crowd given that you (I) have few readers to begin with. You should be focused on maximizing the amount of people that read this.
Why?
Why?
Because….well there is no reason, other than ego I suppose. So maybe I shouldn’t bother with maximizing my audience. I don’t serve ads so I’m not making money from this anyway. Oh, and at this point I should really be beginning to discuss the first main point of the story or essay or whatever it is I’m writing here but instead I’m distracted by an internal discussion. However let me assure anyone still reading this that whatever I had in mind for today’s release was, or rather is an above-average idea at least by the standards of this blog. It is a good one, to be sure.
However in the meantime I’ll point out that at this point anyone still reading has probably lost interest. I’m looking back up the page (well, it’s a screen really, not a page although the Microsoft folks like to make believe that it’s a page but typing this doesn’t have the satisfying “thwack” of a key hitting an ink ribbon or the jumping, dancing clattering of an electric typewriter ball). So I’m looking back up the page-screen and realizing that I’ve fallen terribly, terribly behind. If there was a point to be made (and I do guarantee that it was to be a good one today, for a change, not like the recent one-joke stories or some who-cares reminiscing over corpses, or rather dead loved ones though corpses is better for the Halloween season isn’t it so corpses it is) I should’ve made it, or started to make it, or started on the road to getting as close to making the point as I ever do by now because I’m well into the thing now. I’m typing this in Word in 12 point Arial which isn’t so big but the beginning has already scrolled off the screen so I’m really, really late with the point and it was going to be a doozy which is why I sent off the literal crowd by pretending I had nothing to say today.
By now I’m figuring even the non-literal crowd has gone too. I’ve lost everyone. My readers are me. So what would I say to me if I were absolutely, positively convinced that I was on the only one still reading? Would I tell some sort of secret? Reveal some inner mystery? No, I wouldn’t, not even to myself because someone might see this eventually. I’d have to put something so horrible at the start that I would have to be absolutely sure nobody would be left at this point. The written equivalent of nails on a chalkboard, though some folks can tolerate even that so it would have to be something so annoying, so disgusting that it would make the Web itself crash.
No, I can’t do it. I’d better go back to my original point. Well I would, but I see that I’ve filled up the page already. I think I’m going to save the point I had for today, even though it is sort of time-sensitive. Will it still be good tomorrow? Probably. I’d better get my ass in gear and make sure I get to it straight away though. None of this shooing anybody away by pretending I have nothing to write about business. No, tomorrow I will get straight to the heart of the matter. I will cut right to the chase and not use any tricks or clichés. Yes. Tomorrow there will be a point. Who am I even promising this to at this point? Nobody, I should think. So if I renege, it’s fine. Whew. That’s a relief.
There, now that we got rid of that literal crowd, we can continue. Continue with today’s topic. What is today’s topic, you’re wondering, and why did you get rid of the literal crowd given that you (I) have few readers to begin with. You should be focused on maximizing the amount of people that read this.
Why?
Why?
Because….well there is no reason, other than ego I suppose. So maybe I shouldn’t bother with maximizing my audience. I don’t serve ads so I’m not making money from this anyway. Oh, and at this point I should really be beginning to discuss the first main point of the story or essay or whatever it is I’m writing here but instead I’m distracted by an internal discussion. However let me assure anyone still reading this that whatever I had in mind for today’s release was, or rather is an above-average idea at least by the standards of this blog. It is a good one, to be sure.
However in the meantime I’ll point out that at this point anyone still reading has probably lost interest. I’m looking back up the page (well, it’s a screen really, not a page although the Microsoft folks like to make believe that it’s a page but typing this doesn’t have the satisfying “thwack” of a key hitting an ink ribbon or the jumping, dancing clattering of an electric typewriter ball). So I’m looking back up the page-screen and realizing that I’ve fallen terribly, terribly behind. If there was a point to be made (and I do guarantee that it was to be a good one today, for a change, not like the recent one-joke stories or some who-cares reminiscing over corpses, or rather dead loved ones though corpses is better for the Halloween season isn’t it so corpses it is) I should’ve made it, or started to make it, or started on the road to getting as close to making the point as I ever do by now because I’m well into the thing now. I’m typing this in Word in 12 point Arial which isn’t so big but the beginning has already scrolled off the screen so I’m really, really late with the point and it was going to be a doozy which is why I sent off the literal crowd by pretending I had nothing to say today.
By now I’m figuring even the non-literal crowd has gone too. I’ve lost everyone. My readers are me. So what would I say to me if I were absolutely, positively convinced that I was on the only one still reading? Would I tell some sort of secret? Reveal some inner mystery? No, I wouldn’t, not even to myself because someone might see this eventually. I’d have to put something so horrible at the start that I would have to be absolutely sure nobody would be left at this point. The written equivalent of nails on a chalkboard, though some folks can tolerate even that so it would have to be something so annoying, so disgusting that it would make the Web itself crash.
No, I can’t do it. I’d better go back to my original point. Well I would, but I see that I’ve filled up the page already. I think I’m going to save the point I had for today, even though it is sort of time-sensitive. Will it still be good tomorrow? Probably. I’d better get my ass in gear and make sure I get to it straight away though. None of this shooing anybody away by pretending I have nothing to write about business. No, tomorrow I will get straight to the heart of the matter. I will cut right to the chase and not use any tricks or clichés. Yes. Tomorrow there will be a point. Who am I even promising this to at this point? Nobody, I should think. So if I renege, it’s fine. Whew. That’s a relief.
Comments
"get straight to the heart of the matter...cut right to the chase...
and not use any tricks or clichés."
I do appreciate the irony.