I've Heard Of Rain Delays, But What Do You Call This?
Warning, this post is rated PG-13 at the very least. Depending on your place of employment, it may even be rated NSFW.
You've been warned.
These folks are creative, but they are not original. While I am even prouder of my Scandinavian heritage than ever before, I have to admit this idea was first executed in the United States. In fact, we did it first, right here in NYC at the so-called World's Most Famous Arena.
I may have told this story before, or mentioned it in passing, but it's one that bears retelling.
Let us go back to the halcyon days of the spring of 1995. The NHL had thrown away half a season on a pointless lockout thus murdering any marketing momentum they may have had from the New York Rangers epic Stanley Cup victory the spring before. It was about to enter a ten-year spiral of numbingly boring neutral-zone trap teams with extremely limited fan bases dominating the championship scene broken only by the years Detroit and Colorado prevailed. The damage done to the on-ice product during these years would not be repaired until the next long lockout had ended. At this point in history, we don't know this.
Here's what we do know.
The defending champs had limped into the playoffs as an low seed before rallying to upset the rising Quebec Nordiques who, with the addition of the greatest goaltender to don pads would win the Cup the following year. Unfortunately for our frere francais, they would win it in Denver.
The Rangers faced the powerful Flyers in the second round. The aging Blueshirts were no match for the physical Flyers and entered game four at the Garden down 3-0 despite gallant efforts in the first two games, both OT losses at the Spectrum. The mood at the Garden was resigned but not joyless; the Cup win the prior year had built a reservoir of good will that would take a few more years and the acquisition of Eric Lindros to squander.
So up behind the 8th avenue goal in section 416 where I resided in those days it wasn't surprising that Crazy Vinny showed up soused and with a huge black dildo in hand.
The black dildo had made a couple appearances prior to this night and long before the phrase was applied to to Manny Ramirez we all just attributed to "Vinny being Vinny". Here's what you need to know about Crazy Vinny. Crazy Vinny used to go into the fire exit stairs behind the section between periods to grab a smoke of whatever or sometimes before the bathrooms were added to the blue seats and you had to go downstairs to relieve yourself he'd take the shortcut of using a soda bottle or beer cup. To ensure security wouldn't discover him he would let the door close behind him relying on a buddy to open it up and let him back in. Of course, sometimes said buddy would wander off and hilarity would ensue as Vinny would be pounding on the door and screaming while the next period was underway.
Here's another thing you need to know about Crazy Vinny: one night he got tossed out of the Garden in the first period only to mysteriously reappear at the start of the second period. He tracked down a scalper outside and bought another ticket to come back in. The locals started chanting his name in salute to this genius move and Vinny kept trying to shush the crowd. He made it through the game.
Here's a third thing you need to know about Crazy Vinny: one night he showed up with his jaw wired shut. Turns out he had gone to the Steelers game at Three Rivers the previous Sunday and was standing on the arms of his seat screaming when he fell face first into the railing in front of his seat. He spent the next few months of the hockey season screaming "Mmmph grm phm phm grrrrrr!" and other sounds that nobody could understand.
Here's a fourth thing you need to know about Crazy Vinny: nobody screamed harder for the Rangers to get the empty net goal when they were ahead because he usually had an investment on the contest laying a goal and a half.
If you want a picture of Vinny in your head, imagine a skinny Tony Danza completely wired out of his mind on coke and amphetamines. Vinny wasn't on any of that stuff (that I know of) but he was constantly at such a loud, histrionic, hyper level that it seemed that way.
So Vinny is there with this two-foot long oil black dildo complete with testicles. Between periods for a laugh he would stand near the urinals with the thing hanging out of his pants drawing surprised looks from the other guys in the rest room. Periodically he would grab the thing and whip it around in circles kind of like the old stripper tassels bit except instead of a tassel on a breast it was a huge rubber dong hanging out of his fly. Then a father came in with his elementary school-age son (the blue seats were NOT family seats in those days so this was rare) and Vinny, being the class act that he was quickly hid the toy apologizing to the dad and saying to the kid "Sorry kid, you didn't need to see that!" Like the rest of us did, I thought, but whatever.
The third period was winding down and the Rangers were about to be eliminated. The crowd rose to its feet to politely salute the now-vanquished champions. Folks in 416 began wishing each other a fine summer. Suddenly we realized Vinny was gone. Where was he? Had he been thrown out (again) while nobody was looking?
It was the last minute of play in the game. The puck was cleared out of the Flyers zone directly below us and toward the Rangers net. Flyers goaltender Ron Hextall raised his glove hand in anticipated triumph. And then in happened.
From somewhere in the 200s or the 100s a missile was launched. It arced gracefully through the air, slowly spinning end over end like that leg bone that turned into a spaceship at the beginning of "2001: A Space Odyssey". It whizzed right over Hextall's upraised glove hand and crashed to the ice, skidding all the way out to the blue line.
Some in the crowd realized what it was and applauded wildly.
Vinny had made his statement to the Flyers. The dildo was in play.
The near linesman skated over to pick up the vulcanized schlong and, realizing what it was once he scooped it up moved like Eric Heiden in Lake Placid to the penalty box where he tossed it over the glass. Two minutes for being well hung, I suppose. Someone in our section said the only bad thing was that the puck didn't come back down the ice for an icing or offsides so we could have a good laugh at the sight of a linesman with his hand in the air hoisting the dong like he was the Statue of Liberty . Alas it was not to be.
The game ended, the Cup reign ended, but to this day anyone from section 416 who was there that night remembers Vinny's great statement.
And so, we say Sorry AIK. You put a lot of thought and effort in and maybe you thought you were new and unique. But you're not. A wired-up Italian kid from New York City beat you to it by 13 years.
You've been warned.
These folks are creative, but they are not original. While I am even prouder of my Scandinavian heritage than ever before, I have to admit this idea was first executed in the United States. In fact, we did it first, right here in NYC at the so-called World's Most Famous Arena.
I may have told this story before, or mentioned it in passing, but it's one that bears retelling.
Let us go back to the halcyon days of the spring of 1995. The NHL had thrown away half a season on a pointless lockout thus murdering any marketing momentum they may have had from the New York Rangers epic Stanley Cup victory the spring before. It was about to enter a ten-year spiral of numbingly boring neutral-zone trap teams with extremely limited fan bases dominating the championship scene broken only by the years Detroit and Colorado prevailed. The damage done to the on-ice product during these years would not be repaired until the next long lockout had ended. At this point in history, we don't know this.
Here's what we do know.
The defending champs had limped into the playoffs as an low seed before rallying to upset the rising Quebec Nordiques who, with the addition of the greatest goaltender to don pads would win the Cup the following year. Unfortunately for our frere francais, they would win it in Denver.
The Rangers faced the powerful Flyers in the second round. The aging Blueshirts were no match for the physical Flyers and entered game four at the Garden down 3-0 despite gallant efforts in the first two games, both OT losses at the Spectrum. The mood at the Garden was resigned but not joyless; the Cup win the prior year had built a reservoir of good will that would take a few more years and the acquisition of Eric Lindros to squander.
So up behind the 8th avenue goal in section 416 where I resided in those days it wasn't surprising that Crazy Vinny showed up soused and with a huge black dildo in hand.
The black dildo had made a couple appearances prior to this night and long before the phrase was applied to to Manny Ramirez we all just attributed to "Vinny being Vinny". Here's what you need to know about Crazy Vinny. Crazy Vinny used to go into the fire exit stairs behind the section between periods to grab a smoke of whatever or sometimes before the bathrooms were added to the blue seats and you had to go downstairs to relieve yourself he'd take the shortcut of using a soda bottle or beer cup. To ensure security wouldn't discover him he would let the door close behind him relying on a buddy to open it up and let him back in. Of course, sometimes said buddy would wander off and hilarity would ensue as Vinny would be pounding on the door and screaming while the next period was underway.
Here's another thing you need to know about Crazy Vinny: one night he got tossed out of the Garden in the first period only to mysteriously reappear at the start of the second period. He tracked down a scalper outside and bought another ticket to come back in. The locals started chanting his name in salute to this genius move and Vinny kept trying to shush the crowd. He made it through the game.
Here's a third thing you need to know about Crazy Vinny: one night he showed up with his jaw wired shut. Turns out he had gone to the Steelers game at Three Rivers the previous Sunday and was standing on the arms of his seat screaming when he fell face first into the railing in front of his seat. He spent the next few months of the hockey season screaming "Mmmph grm phm phm grrrrrr!" and other sounds that nobody could understand.
Here's a fourth thing you need to know about Crazy Vinny: nobody screamed harder for the Rangers to get the empty net goal when they were ahead because he usually had an investment on the contest laying a goal and a half.
If you want a picture of Vinny in your head, imagine a skinny Tony Danza completely wired out of his mind on coke and amphetamines. Vinny wasn't on any of that stuff (that I know of) but he was constantly at such a loud, histrionic, hyper level that it seemed that way.
So Vinny is there with this two-foot long oil black dildo complete with testicles. Between periods for a laugh he would stand near the urinals with the thing hanging out of his pants drawing surprised looks from the other guys in the rest room. Periodically he would grab the thing and whip it around in circles kind of like the old stripper tassels bit except instead of a tassel on a breast it was a huge rubber dong hanging out of his fly. Then a father came in with his elementary school-age son (the blue seats were NOT family seats in those days so this was rare) and Vinny, being the class act that he was quickly hid the toy apologizing to the dad and saying to the kid "Sorry kid, you didn't need to see that!" Like the rest of us did, I thought, but whatever.
The third period was winding down and the Rangers were about to be eliminated. The crowd rose to its feet to politely salute the now-vanquished champions. Folks in 416 began wishing each other a fine summer. Suddenly we realized Vinny was gone. Where was he? Had he been thrown out (again) while nobody was looking?
It was the last minute of play in the game. The puck was cleared out of the Flyers zone directly below us and toward the Rangers net. Flyers goaltender Ron Hextall raised his glove hand in anticipated triumph. And then in happened.
From somewhere in the 200s or the 100s a missile was launched. It arced gracefully through the air, slowly spinning end over end like that leg bone that turned into a spaceship at the beginning of "2001: A Space Odyssey". It whizzed right over Hextall's upraised glove hand and crashed to the ice, skidding all the way out to the blue line.
Some in the crowd realized what it was and applauded wildly.
Vinny had made his statement to the Flyers. The dildo was in play.
The near linesman skated over to pick up the vulcanized schlong and, realizing what it was once he scooped it up moved like Eric Heiden in Lake Placid to the penalty box where he tossed it over the glass. Two minutes for being well hung, I suppose. Someone in our section said the only bad thing was that the puck didn't come back down the ice for an icing or offsides so we could have a good laugh at the sight of a linesman with his hand in the air hoisting the dong like he was the Statue of Liberty . Alas it was not to be.
The game ended, the Cup reign ended, but to this day anyone from section 416 who was there that night remembers Vinny's great statement.
And so, we say Sorry AIK. You put a lot of thought and effort in and maybe you thought you were new and unique. But you're not. A wired-up Italian kid from New York City beat you to it by 13 years.
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