Democracy in Action
Today’s story is about America’s favorite reality show: the Presidential election. I have been chastised by a regular reader of this site for not engaging in political discussion so I’ve decided to put my cards on the table, lay it all on the line and throw my hands in the air like I just don’t care and let my freak flag fly.
Here are my carefully considered thoughts on the candidates:
Barack Obama: It’s nice to see the Democrats honoring the long legacy of the Kennedy clan by nominating an Irishman for the Oval Office. Having him accept the nomination on a stage lifted from Leonard’s of Great Neck was also inspiring, though I was disappointed that he didn’t come up out of the floor with lasers flashing and techno music thumping to introduce “Invesco Field at Mile High’s World Famous Viennese Hour Dessert Bar” while ladling out flaming bowls of Baked Alaska. Although the content of the speech was not particularly memorable, Barry Obama (as his friends know him – his evil right-wing enemies content that his middle name is actually “Hussein” which is an accusation I find scurrilous and ridiculous) could read the specials list at Applebee’s and make it compelling so it worked anyway. The one thing that is ominous is that spell check doesn’t recognize “Barack” and suggests that you replace “Obama” with “Osama”. Machines aren’t usually wrong you know. Anyway, if Obama wins the presidency we’ll have the most compelling oration since Ronald Reagan stood in Berlin and said “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall” and then Rocky punched Dolph Lundgren right through it ending Communism and making Russia safe for Vladimir Poutine who was the first world leader named after a French-Canadian junk food.
John McCain: I love his French Fries. Or Freedom Fries. Whatever they’re called. Any man who can get the endorsement of his jailer is A-OK by me. I mean, do you hear any of G. Gordon Liddy’s former guards suggesting he should be president? No sir, not at all. And how about that VP candidate? Is she smokin’ hot or what? Tough too, as indicated by this photo which shows her after she defeated a giant bear and crab single-handedly in the first kaiju battle ever seen in Alaska. But have I mentioned she’s hot? I might have. Wowee. Hubba hubba. Anyway, McCain’s maverick streak should serve him well. He’s a real outside-the-box thinker. I mean, I’ve worked in a white-collar office setting for almost 20 years and I can tell you that in American business it’s really rare to see old, powerful men hire hot younger women regardless of qualification. Hardly ever happens. I’ll tell ya, he’s nailed down the female vote with this move. Not to mention the vote of men who intend to watch a lot more press conferences than they used to.
My prediction? A human being will win the vote this fall, ending 8 years of simian rule. To George W. Bush I say this: Get your stinking paws off the button you damn dirty ape!
Here are my carefully considered thoughts on the candidates:
Barack Obama: It’s nice to see the Democrats honoring the long legacy of the Kennedy clan by nominating an Irishman for the Oval Office. Having him accept the nomination on a stage lifted from Leonard’s of Great Neck was also inspiring, though I was disappointed that he didn’t come up out of the floor with lasers flashing and techno music thumping to introduce “Invesco Field at Mile High’s World Famous Viennese Hour Dessert Bar” while ladling out flaming bowls of Baked Alaska. Although the content of the speech was not particularly memorable, Barry Obama (as his friends know him – his evil right-wing enemies content that his middle name is actually “Hussein” which is an accusation I find scurrilous and ridiculous) could read the specials list at Applebee’s and make it compelling so it worked anyway. The one thing that is ominous is that spell check doesn’t recognize “Barack” and suggests that you replace “Obama” with “Osama”. Machines aren’t usually wrong you know. Anyway, if Obama wins the presidency we’ll have the most compelling oration since Ronald Reagan stood in Berlin and said “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall” and then Rocky punched Dolph Lundgren right through it ending Communism and making Russia safe for Vladimir Poutine who was the first world leader named after a French-Canadian junk food.
John McCain: I love his French Fries. Or Freedom Fries. Whatever they’re called. Any man who can get the endorsement of his jailer is A-OK by me. I mean, do you hear any of G. Gordon Liddy’s former guards suggesting he should be president? No sir, not at all. And how about that VP candidate? Is she smokin’ hot or what? Tough too, as indicated by this photo which shows her after she defeated a giant bear and crab single-handedly in the first kaiju battle ever seen in Alaska. But have I mentioned she’s hot? I might have. Wowee. Hubba hubba. Anyway, McCain’s maverick streak should serve him well. He’s a real outside-the-box thinker. I mean, I’ve worked in a white-collar office setting for almost 20 years and I can tell you that in American business it’s really rare to see old, powerful men hire hot younger women regardless of qualification. Hardly ever happens. I’ll tell ya, he’s nailed down the female vote with this move. Not to mention the vote of men who intend to watch a lot more press conferences than they used to.
My prediction? A human being will win the vote this fall, ending 8 years of simian rule. To George W. Bush I say this: Get your stinking paws off the button you damn dirty ape!
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