Movie Pitch: “Supermarket Meat Zombies”
I think I finally have the breakthrough idea that will put me on easy street.
No, it’s not an invention that could’ve been pitched by the late, great Billy Mays. It’s not anything useful at all really. What it is is an idea. An idea for a movie. A film perfect for our times.
I want to write a movie about zombies. In supermarkets. But not human zombies. I want to write a movie where all the meat and fish in the meat cases and fish cases in supermarkets become undead and attack unwary shoppers. It has something for everyone. It has zombies, which after vampires are everyone’s favorite undead (and really I could make some of the critters vampires, maybe the fish?). It is a timely story. It has a “ripped from the headlines” feel based on all the terrible stories about our industrialized food system. The film (film is what serious movie types call movies, you know) is set in supermarkets. Supermarkets are somewhere almost everyone goes which just adds to the TRUE HORROR of it all. Think of how many people were afraid to go in the water after Jaws. Imagine what "Supermarket Meat Zombies" will do to Shop Rite.
I guarandamntee you PETA will be on board with this project. Not that I like PETA, they’re a bunch of nutballs. However they may provide some investment capital. I’ll take money from anyone, I ain’t proud. Hell, those of you that know me in real life know what my day job is. Yow!
To whet your appetite (or kill it) here are some sample scenes:
An unsuspecting shopper picks up one of Perdue’s finest broiler-fryers out of a case. Suddenly the headless bird springs to life, rips out of the package, strangles the shopper, eats the shopper’s brains and sprints out of the store on its little drumsticks. We even have a little comic relief as the generic grizzled police department veteran (is Gene Hackman still alive?) examines the body and says “I’ve heard of choking your chicken, but getting choked by a chicken?”
A shopper in a different store picks up a jar of pickled pigs feet. The jar explodes and the feet trample the shopper to death and then all the jars burst open and the feet go on a rampage crushing all the occupants of the store.
A shopper picks up a lovely crown roast. It springs to life and stabs the shopper to death by flying at high speed bone first. For extra horror let’s make sure we have two of the chops go through the shopper’s eyes. Might have to go CGI on this unless we can rig something with ballistics gel, fake blood and a gun that shoots meat hunks accurately.
Think of all the possibilities! Why, even the lobsters in the tanks could be possessed by some even force even though they’re not dead. King crab legs flying like projectiles as victims yell “They truly are the deadliest catch!”
So, who wants to give me some dough for this project? Anyone? Anyone? No?
All right then, in closing and tangentially on topic I have one humble request. If I should pass on and one of you gentle readers happens to come to my wake or service or whatever, please say the following to someone:
You: “You know if DC were here, I know what he’d say.”
Someone: “What’s that?”
You: “Arrrrrrnnnngggggg more brains – ‘cause he’s dead, if he were here that would make him a fucking zombie! Run!”
Thank you, and please try the fish. Before it tries you, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! (Hey, there’s the tag line for the movie poster!)
No, it’s not an invention that could’ve been pitched by the late, great Billy Mays. It’s not anything useful at all really. What it is is an idea. An idea for a movie. A film perfect for our times.
I want to write a movie about zombies. In supermarkets. But not human zombies. I want to write a movie where all the meat and fish in the meat cases and fish cases in supermarkets become undead and attack unwary shoppers. It has something for everyone. It has zombies, which after vampires are everyone’s favorite undead (and really I could make some of the critters vampires, maybe the fish?). It is a timely story. It has a “ripped from the headlines” feel based on all the terrible stories about our industrialized food system. The film (film is what serious movie types call movies, you know) is set in supermarkets. Supermarkets are somewhere almost everyone goes which just adds to the TRUE HORROR of it all. Think of how many people were afraid to go in the water after Jaws. Imagine what "Supermarket Meat Zombies" will do to Shop Rite.
I guarandamntee you PETA will be on board with this project. Not that I like PETA, they’re a bunch of nutballs. However they may provide some investment capital. I’ll take money from anyone, I ain’t proud. Hell, those of you that know me in real life know what my day job is. Yow!
To whet your appetite (or kill it) here are some sample scenes:
An unsuspecting shopper picks up one of Perdue’s finest broiler-fryers out of a case. Suddenly the headless bird springs to life, rips out of the package, strangles the shopper, eats the shopper’s brains and sprints out of the store on its little drumsticks. We even have a little comic relief as the generic grizzled police department veteran (is Gene Hackman still alive?) examines the body and says “I’ve heard of choking your chicken, but getting choked by a chicken?”
A shopper in a different store picks up a jar of pickled pigs feet. The jar explodes and the feet trample the shopper to death and then all the jars burst open and the feet go on a rampage crushing all the occupants of the store.
A shopper picks up a lovely crown roast. It springs to life and stabs the shopper to death by flying at high speed bone first. For extra horror let’s make sure we have two of the chops go through the shopper’s eyes. Might have to go CGI on this unless we can rig something with ballistics gel, fake blood and a gun that shoots meat hunks accurately.
Think of all the possibilities! Why, even the lobsters in the tanks could be possessed by some even force even though they’re not dead. King crab legs flying like projectiles as victims yell “They truly are the deadliest catch!”
So, who wants to give me some dough for this project? Anyone? Anyone? No?
All right then, in closing and tangentially on topic I have one humble request. If I should pass on and one of you gentle readers happens to come to my wake or service or whatever, please say the following to someone:
You: “You know if DC were here, I know what he’d say.”
Someone: “What’s that?”
You: “Arrrrrrnnnngggggg more brains – ‘cause he’s dead, if he were here that would make him a fucking zombie! Run!”
Thank you, and please try the fish. Before it tries you, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! (Hey, there’s the tag line for the movie poster!)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMNry4PE93Y